I have everything under control. Like, super under control. I have found the secrets to improving my life from the most reliable of sources, including, but not limited to:

1. Television.
2. Word of mouth from people just as unstable as I.
3. Dreams - mostly about celebrities adopting me and then forcing me to drink all of their liquor, and yes, baking scones.

So let’s start with things I definitely will NOT be doing.

• Yoga. I don’t really care how cool it is or how far behind the curve I am, because hipsters and yuppies have been bending their bodies in crazy shapes come 10 years or so in hopes that it would improve their health and body but I unsubscribe. Do not believe. Not only do tight pants make me uncomfortable (discounting skinny jeans) but furthermore, any activity that forces me to spend 45 minutes surrounded by people I don’t like and think they’re better than me in a closed room is beyond. See also: #myjob.
• Strenuous exercise. Let’s be real here, I’m no longer a 5th grader with the legs of a jackal who sprints miles around the elementary school gym in 6 minutes and participates in every “school sport.” No. Those days are long gone. I have to accept that my body is no longer “young.” I went for a jog a few days ago and I really do believe that I suffered from a small stroke. Oh, and it took me an hour to find my way home.
• Tucson. Peace out, one horse town. I’m literally not kidding, there’s supposed to be ranches and all that here but I’ve only actually seen one horse.

What I am doing:

• Coconut water. This shit is all natural and is chock full of potassium and since I have no clue of what health benefits that entails I do know that it’s more than 3 syllables and therefore must be important for me. It’s strange, I was all against it at first because a friend of mine basically worshiped it over the summer and you know me, when someone likes something I instantly hate it (Beiber, Mumford and Sons, Modern Family) and refuse. Also, he was from Oakland. But I bought it from Sunflower Market the other day on a whim to see the hubub and I swear, this crap is magical. It’s water but has some sort of sweet weirdness that I strangely enjoy. I actually felt, dare I say it, less shitty than my normal. Magic.
• GT Raw Kombucha. I’ve been hooked on this for the past year thanks to a friend. This stuff will change your life. It curbs appetite and has all these important probiotics and other weird natural chemicals that supposedly balance your innerworkings or something of that nature and I’m pretty ignorant when it comes to that so I’m sold. Especially because it’s rather expensive. As we’ve learned earlier I’m a HUGE fan of aimlessly throwing money at my problems so I subscribe. You could imagine the panic that insued when Whole Foods and other places took it off the shelves last year (which I assume was partially based on our feud with the Chinese government) but HEY hold your horses, it’s back. AND IN MORE FLAVORS.
• The Verizon iPhone 4. I. Must. Have. Everyone has one and I feel left out. It has apps that supposedly do everything for you, all the time. My laziness is no joke. If I can find some sort of product that will literally live my life for me, must acquire. I’m just stuck in a Jewish battle with Sprint about the cancellation fee with my crackberry. It might last a month or two but when I prevail… there’s an app for that.