Wow I am the worst. Welcome to my life update at 4:45am after a hectic night of pretending to work. News flash folks: I’m a terrible friend who can’t follow through on any commitments and have no regard for people I care about in life because I’m selfish. Too bad I’m not rich because otherwise I’d just be normal then. I know this may come as a shock to you all (if you’ve never met me or are headless) and not to be dramatic but I’m pretty much spiraling out of control these days. So if you’ve missed me or am annoyed by me, either you’re welcome or I’m sorry.

FYI: I’ve been sick, majorly. Like probably had strep throat and mono and improperly medicated myself. I work 13 hour work days and when I’m not at work I’m basically pacing around the house thinking of ways to get out of going to work. So that’s happening. 

My nose has been running for about 2 weeks. I’m too cheap and lazy to buy kleenex so I end up blowing through rolls and rolls of toilet paper. And I cannot be bothered to walk the 5 steps to my bathroom every 10 minutes in the middle of the night so I hoard toilet paper in my bed. Mental. If you’re not convinced why I’m still single, well, let’s just keep reading.

My body temperature is a mess. My room is approx. 15 degrees below zero so I layer myself with unflattering fleece like pajamas and shiver myself to sleep only to wake up with my clothes plastered to my body like a G.I. Joe figurine and I’m drenched in a puddle of sweat. Dare anyone to date me.

I ran out of my favorite perfume. And let’s get really real here, the only reason I wear it is so I don’t have to shower often. It’s fresh as life and super expensive and I’m once again far too lazy and cheap to buy more so I have to shower regularly. This takes up a ton of my “getting ready time.” The other part of my “getting ready time” is curling up on the couch complaining loudly to my roommate about how much I despise getting ready. Hassle. I try to explain this to my boss as to why I’m now consistently 15 minutes late for work each day. I mean.

I’ve been clenching my teeth a lot more lately and not the I’m-about-to-get-bitch-slapped-because-I’m-a-bitch teeth clenching but the Civil-War-Era-soldier-who’s-about-to-get-his-arm-sawed-off-on-the-battlefield clenching, which worries me. Like I’m about to get lock jaw or grow up to look like Lyle Lovitt.

So moral of the story if you love me bear with me. Things will look up in a few days when all of this nonsense is over and I’m on life vacation. Right now I’m feeling like a meth addict come down something serious and am going to crash on my keyboard. Goodnight folks.