I don’t think it’s any secret that I am overly and aggressively neurotic. Part of me believes it’s not exactly all my fault (refer to previous posts both marked “mother” and “jew”) but still why have I not attempted to do anything about it? Clearly it’s ruining my life.
And these neuroses have caused me an irresponsible amount of anxiety. I like to think of my brain as a DVR. There is only so much space allowed for parts of my life I deem important. Then I assign these parts a percentage. So let’s say - music 10%, television shows 5%, pop culture 2%, bank account 20%, drinking 5%, texting 10%, job 40%, excessive thought about parts of life I cannot control 50%, energy expended in attempting to hide the fact that I am completely crazy 50%. Do these add up to 100%? Is my brain completely full? Furthermore I am not a math major and the mere fact that I actually finished school is a mystery completely beyond me and something that could probably equal the mystery of the statues at Easter Island. Yes, it’s that mysterious.
So the point I’m trying to make is that because my brain is a basic mess, I basically have no room for new information. A friend of mine recently was trying to tell me about a new tv show she was into and before she could explain the plot I promptly screamed “I HAVE NO ROOM FOR A NEW TV SHOW IN MY LIFE!” which I believe is a completely appropriate response. And the worst part is that I believe if I take in any new information it will push some old information out. Like, let’s say I learn a new recipe or information about a new winery. I honest to god believe I may forget how to tie my shoes. This is why I buy flip fops and italian leather boots! Neurotic.
And I worry about what people think. Not because I truly care what people think about me because I know I’m amazing (right…?) but for the mere fact I cannot control what people think about me and that drives me insane. So naturally I expend an irresponsible amount of energy in order to hide this and hopefully portray a more “normal” and “carefree” facade - which ironically makes me look even crazier. I am a train wreck.
