Wow I am the worst. Welcome to my life update at 4:45am after a hectic night of pretending to work. News flash folks: I’m a terrible friend who can’t follow through on any commitments and have no regard for people I care about in life because I’m selfish. Too bad I’m not rich because otherwise I’d just be normal then. I know this may come as a shock to you all (if you’ve never met me or are headless) and not to be dramatic but I’m pretty much spiraling out of control these days. So if you’ve missed me or am annoyed by me, either you’re welcome or I’m sorry.

FYI: I’ve been sick, majorly. Like probably had strep throat and mono and improperly medicated myself. I work 13 hour work days and when I’m not at work I’m basically pacing around the house thinking of ways to get out of going to work. So that’s happening. 

My nose has been running for about 2 weeks. I’m too cheap and lazy to buy kleenex so I end up blowing through rolls and rolls of toilet paper. And I cannot be bothered to walk the 5 steps to my bathroom every 10 minutes in the middle of the night so I hoard toilet paper in my bed. Mental. If you’re not convinced why I’m still single, well, let’s just keep reading.

My body temperature is a mess. My room is approx. 15 degrees below zero so I layer myself with unflattering fleece like pajamas and shiver myself to sleep only to wake up with my clothes plastered to my body like a G.I. Joe figurine and I’m drenched in a puddle of sweat. Dare anyone to date me.

I ran out of my favorite perfume. And let’s get really real here, the only reason I wear it is so I don’t have to shower often. It’s fresh as life and super expensive and I’m once again far too lazy and cheap to buy more so I have to shower regularly. This takes up a ton of my “getting ready time.” The other part of my “getting ready time” is curling up on the couch complaining loudly to my roommate about how much I despise getting ready. Hassle. I try to explain this to my boss as to why I’m now consistently 15 minutes late for work each day. I mean.

I’ve been clenching my teeth a lot more lately and not the I’m-about-to-get-bitch-slapped-because-I’m-a-bitch teeth clenching but the Civil-War-Era-soldier-who’s-about-to-get-his-arm-sawed-off-on-the-battlefield clenching, which worries me. Like I’m about to get lock jaw or grow up to look like Lyle Lovitt.

So moral of the story if you love me bear with me. Things will look up in a few days when all of this nonsense is over and I’m on life vacation. Right now I’m feeling like a meth addict come down something serious and am going to crash on my keyboard. Goodnight folks.

I’m sure I’ll get in big trouble for this but oh well it’s not like I haven’t done anything really stupid before or will again so here goes ladies and gentlemen…

So I’m at Roscoe’s the other day and lo and behold I find a lovely card in the card pile (where young lads write sexual inappropriate messages with their phone numbers to give out to potential love interests) that says, “Are you into dubstep? Call me xxx-xxxx”. Obviously I immediately text this number. “I’m TOTES into dubstep!” Because I think this is hysterical.

So we start a flirtatious texting relationship in which he invited me to a rave (really.) and talked about rolling and all fun things then asked me for a (and I quote) “face picture.” I think about it for a second. Do I really want to potentially embarrass and ruin of of my friends’ life? Of course. Naturally I give him someone else’s picture. And this person is Eddie, my bartender boyfriend at Roscoes. Because I don’t see this becoming a problem, right?

So then he later texts back “are you working?” And I know Eddie is working that night, so yes, I am working. “Awesome because I’m sitting at the bar watching you!”

Yep.

Cannot wait to see how this pans out.

kellyoxford:

I mean.

Just so we’re all clear, I’ll be accepting donations up to and including December 31st, 2011. 

http://ce.culinary.edu/ciachef/CourseListing.asp?master_id=1680&course_area=AE&course_number=1603&course_subtitle=00

Please show your giving spirit for the less fortunate… me. Happy Holidays!

So, I’m a little obsessed. I get obsessed about things. You know this. I know this. Lets just be cool about it.

I ordered some pretty bomb-ass shit from amazon.com last week. I can’t talk about what I ordered because I’m sure I’ll be made fun of until the end of time but I’m so excited I can barely contain myself.

But let’s get back to the point of obsession. I’ve been checking our stoop/foyer obsessively for the past 6 days. Every day. And it hasn’t arrived yet. I’m slowly descending into a spiral of panic. WHERE IS MY PACKAGE? HAS IT BEEN LOST IN THE BLACK HOLE OF THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE?!? DID MY NEIGHBORS STEAL IT???

So basically you can see my obsession with packages. I can’t quite explain how much more meaningful my life becomes when I’m awaiting the arrival of a package. If you love me you’ll send me a package. Especially when I’m not expecting one - are you kidding me? I will be beside myself. Love.

Oh my god I’m so creepy. It has been brought to my attention that I tend to facebook creep on people I DON’T particularly care for rather than people I actually like. That’s unstable. And then I read and judge their status updates and go through their pictures like, ‘ewww I dislike you.’ But why are we facebook friends?? WHY???

And in musing about my creepiness I found an amaze-balls blog post entitled “15 Things White Girls Love to do on Facebook.” (And then I started creeping on this girls’ blog. I love her. I will marry her. http://25pillsaday.wordpress.com) And yes I’m guilty of a few of these items…

This is what our feet look like!

2. Express their extreme annoyance at this work day today and hint that it deserves a much needed alcoholic beverage at the end of it. WINK WINK.

3. Thank their hubby for being the best hubby in the world while their hubby is sitting right next to them.

4. Complain about bad service at restaurants. “Never eating at Applebee’s AGAIN!”

5. Express their extreme excitement to see their best friends tonight, Brintney, Whitney, and Sarah!!! Love YOU GIRLS!!

6. Take pictures wearing a lot of makeup and looking really preppy while simultaneously making a “hard” facial expression and holding up what they consider to be a gangster sign. Potential caption: ‘Straight thuggin.’

We’re hard!!!

7. Take pictures of undeserving food.

I effing love oatmeal!!! Mmmmmmm.

8. Make their status the song lyrics of any Kings of Leon Song.

9. Take a picture of someone they deem inferior to themselves in some way with the question: Really?

10. Write angry letters to companies (Dear EZ PARK, I hate you!), unorganized groups of people (Dear slutty freshmen who think that leggings can be worn as pants..), and non-entities (Dear unseasonably cold weather, WTF?!)

11. Subtly yell at no one in particular while being very specific. “Wow, it’s hard to believe that you think you know someone and then they turn around and STAB YOU IN THE BACK. Will never make that mistake again. EVER.”

12. Document exceedingly mundane activites for the day. “Getting my oil changed today. Then getting much needed groceries. Then it’s off to the post office to mail some bills. Then stopping by the gyno. Will probably need some gas by the end, so I may stop at the gas station. But I might be tired so I’ll probably just get it in the morning on my way to pick up a prescription. But if I’m not very tired I’ll probably just get the gas on the way home. Again, unless I am tired.”

13. Express their distaste for facebook on facebook and threaten to leave facebook to their facebook friends.

14. Ask seemingly redundant questions. “It’s cool to do a bunch of meth and babysit 20 six year olds, right?”

15. Write a status in another language. Parce que, Je suis tres intelligente!!

Love,

Mary. A white girl on facebook, guilty of most of these things.

* Also she forgot (my additions):

16. Complain and/or exaggerate about the amount of food they’ve consumed that day (3 whole m&ms and a handful of pirate’s booty!!!) and then state the level of their obesity and desire to get their weight down (i.e. to their birth weight)

17. Remark about how wasted you were the night before (OMG I drank sooooo much I don’t remember anything) and then their lovely friends remind them (Christine you did a body shot off a homeless man’s chest and then made out with a coat rack!! LOL!! Typical Tuesday!)

18. Post pictures of how they’ve dressed up their dog.

Nala! This pic was taken right before she ate the remote!

19. Celebrity gossip that affects them oh so personally. Are you REALLY that devastated at the dissolution of Demi and Ashton’s relationship? Really?

20. Witty lines that they pretend they’ve actually come up with themselves. (Don’t let it get to your head, your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn’t give it coffee!) Guilty as charged. I wish I came up with that one first. Thanks Will & Grace.

The monkeys that live in the apartment above us are horrible creatures. As I type this, currently they are having some sort of hysterical laugh-a-thon while supposedly chucking tennis balls against the wall. Some of us are trying to nap. I mean.

However their favorite 1am activity is some sort of furniture moving and screaming/dancing contest that lasts 4-5 hours depending on how fun it apparently is. Every other day.